“to ascertain if the applicant is still living”

Whose Library Is It Anyway?: A Visit to the Lenox

[tags]library, libraries, humor, lennox library[/tags]


THE LENOX LIBRARY

What is this?

This, dear, is the great Lenox Library.

What is it for?

Nobody knows.

But I thought you said it was a library.

So I did.

Then there must be books in it

Perhaps.

Why is it called the “Lenox” Library?

Because it was founded and given by Mr. James Lenox.

Given to whom?

To the city of New York.

Oh! then it is a public library?

Yes, dear.

How delightful! Why it must be very useful to students and the reading public?

Very.

But why are the doors locked?

To keep people out.

But I thought you said it was a public library?

So I did.

Then how can they keep people out?

By locking the doors.

But why?

To keep the pretty books from being spoiled.

Why! Who would spoil the pretty books?

The public.

How?

By reading them.

Gracious! What are all those brass things on the roof?

Cannon, dear.

What are they for?

To blow the heads off students who want to get in.

Why! and see those gallows!

Yes, dear.

And people hanging!

Certainly, sweet.

Who are they?

Students who got in.

But is there no way of getting into the library without being shot or hanged?

Yes, sweet.

How?

By writing an humble letter of application to the kind Lord High Librarian.

Well?

He will refer you to the 1st Assistant Inspector of Character.

And then?

It will go to the Third Deputy Examiner of Morals.

Next?

He will pass it on to the Comptroller of Ways and Means.

And he?

He will, after mature deliberation, send it to the Commercial Agency.

What for?

To get a proper understanding of the applicant’s solvency.

Well?

Then it comes back for the monthly meeting of the Sub-Committee on Private Inquiry.

Why?

To ascertain if the applicant has any real necessity for consulting any particular book in the library.

And suppose he has?

Why, then the paper goes to the Sub-janitor.

And what does he do?

He finds out if the Astor or the Mercantile Libraries have the book.

And if they have?

He tells the applicant to go there and consult it.

But if they have it not?

Then the application goes to the Commissioner of Vital Statistics.

For what purpose?

To ascertain if the applicant is still living.

And if he is?

At the next annual meeting of the Board of Directors, if there is a quorum present, which sometimes happens, he will get a ticket entitling him to admission between the hours of two and three on a specified day.

But if the applicant is busy on that day at that hour?

He forfeits his ticket.

But how’s the public benefited by this “public” library?

Ask the Trustees.

Source: Life, 17 January 1884. Reprinted in Harry Miller Lydenberg, History of the New York Public Library (New York: New York Public Library, 1923), 113–115.