Beginning of a bad day…

I rear-ended a car this morning. I knew it was going to be a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car and I looked down and realized he was a dwarf!!!

He looked up at me and said “I’M NOT HAPPY!”

So I said, “Well then, which one are you?”

And that’s how the fight started.

Our diets, our health

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said “wedding cake.”

Because I’m a man…

Because I’m a man , when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Post hoc disclaimer: people forward me some strange stuff, sometimes it gets posted. It’s all in the tradition of casual Fridays here.

casual fridays, casual friday, joke, humor, funny, bad jokes

Found on Jeff Nolan’s blog:

Competitive Intelligence: “a large fuzzy animal may be a bear.”

Marketing: “SAP can help you understand your fuzzy animals. With over 30 years in the fuzzy animal industry, we know if you are looking at a bear, a guy in a coat, or a large dog.”

Communications: “In today’s world of increasing challenges, It’s obvious fuzzy animals are what our customers care about.”

Sales: “Who cares what it is. Let’s kill it and eat it.”

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It’s Friday, a day when I drop my journalistic standards and usually publish whatever video or joke somebody forwarded me during the week. This one came from my dad:

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”

“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.”

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Engadget calls it “skull-shattering fun” and Gizmodo labeled it “ear shrapnel.” It’s available at Paladone.com and Boy’s Stuff, though nobody seems to have yet found a domestic supplier. From the catalog page:

The Sonic Grenade features three different levels of the most noxious sound since the last Westlife album. To launch, pull the pin and throw it towards your target. After 20 seconds, the sonic explosion occurs, giving even the deepest sleeper a wake-up call like they’ve never had before. You can only stop the sirens by replacing the pin, and if you take that out of the room, lazy bones will have to get up and come and grab it off you – mission accomplished.

File this next to the Annoises CD.
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